speak2yrsElf

i tok yr

tol 2 hert & burned

each of my i- lids.

cruz ah-na-thur moment

frm

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or not i dunno wateva i guess yea yea yea wreackage 420 ////////////420123333333 sevensevenseven dies underthe weight of a lowr numba, only to burst up free days later in a phoenix flame of burnt owt desighah. 

yea yea yea u know i know u know u know? know what nuthing cuz yr a hollow shell of a w.w.2 bomba bringing dwn

disasstear ohohohohohohoh unevaknow nenwy.

my delusions escape me

leaving piles of ash,

taken by the wind

and deposited 

somewhere else.

i find water in the

hollow of your neck,

inside the oceanic

haze of freckles,

i grow gills and

exist weightless.

purely existing

inside softer flesh,

i find myself ebb, 

rocking calmly to peace.

i am sad

but not sad enough to do nothing

i will lie down in the sun.

thoughts you think late at night are nothing compared to the way your eyes light up when you rescue a puppy from a drowning lake. i saw it, the slow revolve as you roll your eyes toward the sky - that is on fire! but you are unafraid, dancing in red light singing : if the sky falls then it is so. if the sky takes me, with ash, into the womb of the mother let it be so. if i am the unlucky other let it be so.

then your bones started to melt, bright white liquid spilling, orgasmic, from your fingertips, a rush of emotions blowing through the taut pull of your weather systems. its the never ending circle, a snake consuming you, inside & out

and to think : i thought i was complicated

With humiliation seared across peach skin, hes skipping ahead sixteen times the recommended rate. Im killing rats underground, eating them and crying because of it. Slowly clouds are forming around his head while i scrub the dirt from his failing knees as he screams : nomore nomore wearegone

miscommunicate!

let your eyes 

melt into a slushy

you can drink from

the cup of your lover's

unturned lips.

let the cup fall

and expose his drooping

balls to break under the

weight of heavy relations

- or just keep your pants on. 

a concrete moment

dissolves into a thousand 

moments of pure bliss

silence like slicing
through bone.


if he says it enough
he'll believe it one day
but i never will because
my heart lies dormant
at the bottom of my pelvis
where it rots like cherries
under a tree.

(WATER) FALL

water fall
from the sky.

shedding a second skin,
i've grown a hide thick
enough to pierce.

from above, all of
these colours fall,

creating a barrier, to
save me from you.

regrowing cells every
seven years isn't so scary anymore.

fall through me
universe.

stars in your pupils
from walking too fast.

your legs, my love,
are beautiful.

i did a performance at my house called NEVER KNOWN SKIN SO SOFT, for the performance series I WILL LIVE FOREVER.

I will do a write up for it tonight!

i reach out hands
one after another
to touch you.

elusive dreams withheld from me,
i am a ghost what i used to be.
good Lord come down
and wipe away my eyes,

i don't want to see anything more.

flowers unfolded
inside my eyes.

still,

we sleep
curled close

despite the time passed already

you're a hive for political apathy.

you're saying you agree
by typing words onto an
interface.

cyber activism is only
a thing if you actually
engage with whats happening,

but you don't.

i wanna argue with you about it
because if you actually cared at all,

you would have been there with us,
in the cold, walking down the
main street with a homemade
banner in your hand.

i woke up confused,
with you holding pearls
away from me.

and my face moving
in ways i never thought
it possibly could.


my bones won't sit right inside my skin.

disjointed.

seasons are shifting
and the tides are turning
in your infinite eyes.

i am a weight,
tied to your feet,
but tonight i will kiss you!
and hold you on the ocean floor.

i made this video called 4C: FLOWERS OF SUBMISSION for my good friend claudia!!

wahoo! c: c: c:

continental drifts
in your eyes, are
not showing cracks.

you're solid, like rock,
but not like that at all.


i can not believe my luck.

i remember seeing you at the airport
and you had two bags
and one was your briefcase.

i felt electric.
but i had scabs on my face,
and i felt shy.

you hugged me, and my face
was pressed against your chest
and your swandry was a bit
scratchy, but i felt such intense
relief. finally. finally,

 you were here.

i had another dream where you died.

the dog was dead as well.

i sat on the windowsill
and looked out across
the roof at the apartments
over the road, and i thought:

'if this was to really happen
(which one day it will)

i will still love you forever.'

i get this fear 

of your non-existence.

it pulls at my hair,

and kisses me while

you are away,

spreading itself all

over my fledgling psyche. 

I WENT ON YOUR COMPUTER,
AND YOUR EX-GIRLFRIENDS
EMAIL WAS OPEN, AND TO MY
SHAME, I READ EMAILS YOU
SENT HER AND CLICKED
OUT OF IT.

i did all this,

and now i feel

like i'm being strangled.

something has wired

itself into the muscles 

in my neck, and its got

me in this tight choke hold.

and i will never die, i will never die

i will live in this forever, forever

feeling as though my heart, has

its atoms pulled apart.

furious sudden anger has

 sown my mouth tightly

shut! with seeds of 

bitterness and anger.

you loved her so.

i can not reconcile myself

with the past, and i can only

whimper, so no other sound

can physically pass my lips

somethings holding all my

muscles so still, all this tension

inside my human body is

pulling each atom apart.

i fear my lips will explode,

i hold them closed so tight,

for fear of lost speech

becoming a reality, and

then, i would exist for

ever in this forever.

so i'll be silent,

and let the pull

become too much

and fade away

and fade away

and

 - why?!

why were you so kind?!

my heart, it actually breaks

to think of you, and her.

your soft body heavy, with thoughts of her! 

my eyes are watering for your grief,

i feel such intense empathy

and love, and i wish, i wish

i wish i could take away all

that hurts you. any

thing and every thing

that ever made you sad,

i want to eat it all,

consume it all,

so nothing exists but 

your happiness.

soapy

as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. James Joyce

i move my hands through your hair
and i can feel my fingers melt.


you!
you are so good at being you
and i revel in your persistence,
purely out of the joy of
knowing your existence! 

divine roses

pout their

lips,

at the
sight

of you.

i rip off the labels off my beer bottles

to make a point that i could rip myself 

off any time i want, because i try

but can't actually do it.

i'm a sinking battle ship, going

down through foam and booze,

but i'm not, because i'm the moon

that hazily echos anxieties you repress.

NO REST FOR WICKEDNESS

world fall.

let your tired

arms rest, and 

sleep soundly.

you have held

everyone, now

you're shaking

from the force

pressing down,

so,

fall, world.

let it all 

ease down,

rest your tired

arms and 

sleep.

FORGOT HOW TO WORK
1.
pouring wine like tea
down into the depths
of my body,

i am falling apart.

2.
last night my fingers
turned to ash, and
along the edges of
my lips, blood seeped
out. i think i am
literally going to pieces.



maybe

TO THE END; YOUR HEART 

FOR THE KEYS TO TREES

i take ropes, and

hang them from vines.

to intertwine more of

your veins into mine.

i haven't got the keys,

to your flowering eyes.

you open and shut them

at will, to tease my eyes,

that bloom like leaves.

pulling at the streams

running through me,

you're still mean,

but you're still mine.

i'm gonna do a performance in albert park! if you want you should come cause its gonna be cool c: i promise

i was part of a film for NYMPHETS here is the video!

it was really awesome and makes me miss hana lots and lots. rosie is really awesome and tawa is too and i love all three of them lots and lots.

POOLS OF RAINFORESTS 


you will call me
canopy, the way i 
draped myself over 
you last night.

i tangled my fingers
together, like flowers
from bone, so i could
hold your pool. i

move like silent rain
into dusk, calling your
name, an echo through
trunks, a cry for touch,

your name a silent pool
of distilled water, rising 
up from the depths of
the ocean's earth.

MISSING - I

you were in my dreams last night.
we held hands under the covers.

then, as i wrote this, (as a letter
in the form of ethereal love),
one of your songs begun to
loop in my head.

a memorial.

you told me 185 white chairs
lined along the city's square.

i couldn't imagine it, couldn't
quite grasp the feeling.

through your words, i could
nearly feel the sadness.

questions of heart break
and human worth running
around your head.

hold my memory, and
feel uplifted. all is well
and the future is bright.

FLOWERS LIVE IN THE OCEAN
(not in my eyes)

raising my fingertips
through the sand,
i could almost taste
the flowerbed of
oceanic love, you
don't hold for me.

i am a coping mechanism,
full of bright ideas and
even brighter eyes, but
still somehow in my
gut, i can feel knots
come undone, and
recreate themselves
as something
entirely new.

my eyes an oasis
in the distance.

i lie here, with my
thoughts crawling
out of my skin.

i used to wonder why
i was so disrupted,
disjointed and alive,

but i guess
i've always been waiting
for you to reach the
oasis of my eyes.

I NEVER SAID I WAS BRAVE


(I)
you will shed this
and slip away, into
one who loves you more.

i slide into myself.
ethereal is all i know
and everything real flickers
eternally in the fire place,

so burn me for eternity,
until my discerning heart
only sees you in him,
happier and complete.



(II)
IN YOUR DREAMS;
I HAVE RUN AWAY.

IN REALTY;
 ALL I WANT IS
FOR YOU TO STAY.

I AM DELUSIONAL

(this poem means nothing at all)

climbing up to your window sill,

i stain my skin with yours. 

letting fog roll into my eyes, i

let the pupils slip into oblivion.

lost in your bed sheets, i'm curling

myself around where you used to be,

hoping for a forgiving dawn, and

knowing by the time the sun peeks

over the edge, you'll be long gone.

DREAMTIME

the other night,
i pulled you
off my skin.

today, ashamed
and quiet. i picked

it all up

and clung to the
pieces. holding my
self together

vicariously
through you.

STAR SHOWER

i feel asleep with stars clinging to my thighs.

one leg wrapped around infinity,
and the other over you, i
could swear i was divine,

when i woke up in the morning
i felt like i had died,
for fear of your words
consuming mine.

gonna make a video for jos

i learnt well, but i
ignored all i thought 
i knew, so i learnt it again

a private performance in my room.

(as part of the VIEWING ROOM series) 

video coming soon.

05/03/2013

OH YOU

you are lovely,

lovely, lovely, lovely.

everything about the word
sings your name. you are
so wondrous, when i am
with you i feel ethereal
and beautiful.

THOUGHTS AGAIN
before i left,
my nan told me to be kind to myself.

often i am not, and
the surges of welling
oceans come up and over
me, taking me away with them.

i had forgotten again,
left to roost and do this,
until my heart can not take
anymore, and gives itself up to flight.

i remember to be kind to myself
and to be kind to others,
and the thought allows
the tides to ease, and
my lungs to breathe,
and i feel like i
am home.

i have not felt the movement

of glass through screens in

eons. i don't miss you but i do.

a private performance in my room.

video coming soon.

04/03/2013

i read some of my poetry for my friend laurie a wee while ago, check it out, its awesome. c:

THOUGHT PATTERNS - part three

A.
let my body rise to
your lips for you to
kiss. show me your
human love. you know
i have nothing to do
when i have nothing to
prove, and right now
i'm going to prove you
completely wrong.

B.
your meaning of life is to work the soil
until you can feel all your emotional issues
bleed out of your calloused hands.

my meaning of life is to write poems,
play on neopets, and drink tea all day
until my heart rises like the sunshine.

i can not tell, if we are perfect or totally done for.

C.
i was reading your word, over and over
again last night, and now my mind trills
with you, sings for you. your influence
is greatly appreciated and loved dearly

D.
you are gone.

and i am
sucking the
back of my hand.
bored and waiting,
your silence keeps me.

E.
i named a neopet after you.
but you're not texting me back
so i'm gonna feed it as much
stinky jelly as it can eat.

this would be a deeply satisfying action,
if only it did not love the stinky jelly so much.

SHEETS LIKE SILK, TONGUE NEVER WORKS

"how does she feel underneath
the skin of your bed sheets?"
i wanted to ask him from the
day he was born, but he
never said anything at all.
so i kept my silence inside my lips.

swallowing my mute self, i am
freed from him. turning over
into the eyes from above, singing:
"freedom! freedom!
oh glorious freedom!"

DREAMS OF DEATH

PART ONE
i fell asleep to a dream
of your hand slipping
into stilled water, and my
dream of your arm linked
through mine sunk. oceans hold
your love, and i am afraid that
you will return to waves forever.

PART TWO
i saw myself lying under nothing
and frightened, threw myself to
the pavement. taking out my rage
on the concrete, i'll put down my fists,
let forget-me-not buds rise over me.

PART THREE
golden dawns of eternal bliss
rise to give life to my misshapen arms.

this morning we talked about you
with nothing to say
how can you speak?

i heard you last night,
talking through your sleep.
its the money, its the fame,
i blame you for what you do.

you think you know something,
you know nothing and in the end
you'll have nothing to speak of,
because you had nothing to give.

NYMPHAEA

i lay my head next to your concave chest,
that floods with rain water at night.

blue water lillies spin,
their budding faces peaking up to bloom.

rising through your depths,
they come as the sun through
the day, and i watch them.

the night is soft, and they move to your heart,
that sings audibly through your missing rib.

luminescent, glowing sweetly,
their budding faces bloom toward me.

i want to touch the petals,
hold them in my palm
and kiss you softest. 

i would take them out of you, 
let them come to my hands inside you,
and be stolen from you concave chest,

but i don't.
for fear of ruining such
sleepy flowers in the moonlight.

SOFT PEACH SKIN

so clearly i suddenly see

you and me together

in one set of eyes

my thoughts lead

to this image

of such beauty

i over flow with love

and begin to cry.

i'm making a poetry booklet that will be ciculated around aucklands cbd - if you want one, holla c: piupiumaya@gmail.com

let my mind collapse.

i am a tectonic plate,
pushing myself down,
pulling at the borders.

i'm just waiting
for the eruption,
i can feel it boiling
under my luminescent skin.

" FOR EVERY RESPONSE,

A PEBBLE IN THE POOL,

MY HEART IS A STRING TIED TO A BALLOON "

a performance for the fundraiser for LONELY MIAOW

09/03/2013 - AUDIO FOUNDATION - 16:00

you pine for before,
and it made me sad
for now, because i
pine for the now. at
first, maybe, it seared
the side of my breast,
until, after it looped
around i caught it.
holding your sadness,
i hope to disintegrate
it with acidic fingertips.

BREAKTHOUGHTS

1
it was winter when i started coming up,
now its summer and i'm going down.

2
i guess i thought it would
be a different scene of different
atmospheric pressure and i was right.

3
there is no break from the move -
i slip, and slice a line through the
grass, and he takes me out.

4
i guess i knew i was this
way of curves and holes.

i can't write.

my ideas are dumb,
and after each word,
i think: "ick. surely there
are better ways to say that"

i can't figure it out.




atleast when i threw my
banana skin it landed in the bin.

DEAD DREAMS

she just sat around

for a thousand years

building up her intolerance

to anything real,

while he waited, pulling

cogs from the ends of his

fingers; a working machine

built to do what is right

by the standards of his makers.

her fears worsen, standing

by the podium with nothing to

say; and his eyes grow cold

blizzards, waiting for the after math,

and her lips, to kiss without anxiety   

COLD WAR

1.

let me drift

on the sea.

let me drift

on the flicker

of your eyes

when i told

you it was 

okay to be bad.

2.

i could

count on four

hands, the 

amount of time

i burst my

eyelids, dreaming

of children and

a nice house.

3.

but even still,

i understand your

makings are too

divine for me to understand.

help me move through

this endless bout

of unproductiveness. 

sidelined

i don't know where you are.

you could be anywhere

in time / space.

i don't know where you are.

you could be anywhere

in time / space.

kissing a girl

of incredible beauty,

or,

at home.

doing what you usually do.

HUNG-OVER

i live under

an over-hang

of the entire night sky.

all i do

all the time

is watch it move.

and, i will be satisfied,

forever, until i die, 

staring up into the

abyss.

sudden!

crashing realisation!

burning sensations!

body on fire!

mind turning to ash!

discomfort rationalised!

everything known!

love is not a two way street!

one side is the autobahn!

the other a sleepy country road!

untitled. 

i move through space,

tonight.

floating in black,

a symphony of myself -

how can skin

smell like this?

adrift - 
devoid.

tonight,
my skin is black
 from the atoms,
of a symphony
of you.

part one;

someone outside my window

groans, and i think:

"yeah.

i'm totally with you."

part two:

because you're so silent

i decide

i will not talk.

i give up.

you win.

i'm gonna get grapes 

and feel like:

'fuck it'

COME NOW
staying on my
doorstep is the
ghost of your
inability to 
commit to the
idea of nothing.

your thoughts keep
me locked inside
four walls of 
memories.

for everything i blame you,
and forgive you in the 
five stages of grief.
committing you to the
ground, to rot like
everyone else.

hi

i made a tumblr

for my poetry c:

http://requiemforteendreams.tumblr.com/

THOUGHTS

in four parts

part one:

do i spend lifetimes waiting

for the easy step of your feet,

to turn on their heels and leave

the gap between my teeth?

part two:

i do,

and i have

no reason to

be waiting 

for it.

("so turn a new leaf")

part three:

i never knew i was

intoxicated with the

memories of broken

things, until you told me

i could never be back

there again.  i felt so 

relieved, to know all 

my winding dreams

were inconsistent with

the reality of this place,

and with you.

part four:

my heart hurts.

below my breast

it waits for your hands

to console, and your lips

to ease the emotions

that always get me.

NOT IN MY LIFETIME

my body

is covered

with you.

i, almost,

can feel your hands

closing my eyelids.

letting me sleep,

and, happily away

from the words that

loop my head into

number 8 wire.

sometimes,

 i think sleeping is

better than thought.

i promised my mood

ring i would stay blue, so i

stay in love with you.

you never feel as alone
as when its night and
your door is shut.
moon's not out, its
time for sleep but
if my eyes could close,
i guess i'd be dead.

YOU

those eyes.

i do not think 

in the history

of everything,

there has

ever been eyes

that look out

on the world

like yours.

IF I WAS A BIRD THAT

FLEW AS THE CROW

FLIES, I WOULD HAVE

STOLEN A THOUSAND

LIES FROM THE INSIDE

OF YOUR MOUTH.

I HAD THIS DREAM

THAT BURST MY

FLEDGLING WORRIES

OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN.

IT SET MY LIPS

FREE TO KISS - 

KNOWING I WAS 

SCARED, AND SAFE IN

HANDS THAT HOLD ME.

KNOWING I HAVE

BEEN AFRAID, SOME

HOW CONVINCES ME

OF YOUR LOVE, LETS

ME BELIEVE YOUR WORDS.

AFTER ALL THIS TIME

I BELIEVE YOUR WORDS.

photo: nick graham 

i did a performance with Hana, for her performance series:

Synthetic Memories / Mundane Actions 

at | side way | in ponsonby!

Max Trevor Thomas Edmond played music for it 

it was rad, and Hana and Max and | side way | are rad!

thanks dudes c:

T A I L  S P I N  D R I F T I N G

my body twists

itself around loophole

thoughts. you say,

you say nothing.

i'm biting back

my black tongue

and poison myself

in the process.

i can't concentrate,

feeling words move.

i'm paralysed, with

fear of myself. 

you say:

"apathetic!"

and i agree.

apathetic to the end

i'll die happy.

CLOUD GIRL

cloud girl

never breathed

a day in her life.

she spent the years

sitting in the atmosphere,

soaking up lightning

and dust.

when it came

time to take down

her stars from the sky,

she couldn't hack it,

panicked, and wet the paradise. 

TO THIS HEAVEN:

I MELT

part one: 

to you,

this heaven 

that i touch.

(sometimes)

i write you

a thousand

poems of 

adoration,

and its never enough

for me to show you

how i feel.

part two:

i spoke a thousand

words, into a tin can,

and through barbed

wire it found your ears.

barbed and sleeping on

the couch, i am only 

as comfortable as i

think i am, and right now,

to this heaven: i melt.

THE LAST TIME I TALKED TO YOU ABOUT MY RELIGION. 

commodify my life

as a person i am

nothing without

my symbols, so 

take them away

take them away.

take me away,

disintegrate me

into the earth of

blood and bone

and dirt,

and in this disintegration

i will find the last laugh.

hidden in my dying grace,

i will be satisfied at last.

IF I EVER WAS:

I TELL YOU NOW

I AM NOT.

i am not.

no.

nope.

no way.

i will not be.

my lover,

please send me

to my grave before

i am another janet frame

or another cilla mcqueen.

let me never be

poet laureate of

this country.

all anyone ever

wants to do is

watch the paint

dry on the fence.

Marina Ivanovna Tsvetaeva

Prayer

Christ and the Lord! I thirst for marvel
Now, here, as the day would start!
The life is like a book to me,
So let me die. Let me depart.

You're wise, and sternly 'Now be patient,
Your time's not ripe' you will not say.
Yourself you gave me - too much now!
I thirst at once - for every way!

I want it all: with soul of gypsy
To run to plunder with a song,
To suffer for all near an organ,
To run to war, an Amazon;

To divine stars in a black tower
The kids through shadows to lead…
That yesterday would be a legend,
That each and every day be mad!

I love the cross, the silk, the helmet,
The minute's trace of soul of mine..
You gave me childhood - better than fiction
Now let me die at seventeen!

YOUR TIDES ARE ARCS OF DUST
COLLECTING ICONS OF MY LAST
HEART-FELT POEM

and where are you now?

little spirit - you said

you would stay,

climb into my bones.

weave your way down

my neck, into my spine.

you stayed

a moment,

and then...

you left.

little spirit you left me!

oh.

little spirit.

did you do

it because i

said somethings?

i wanted you to stay

with me.

together we could have

seen jungles and tides rise.

but, what

you've done,

( in leaving )

is so much more.

S A P P H O

Blame Aphrodite

It's no use
Mother dear, I
can't finish my
weaving
You may
blame Aphrodite

soft as she is

she has almost
killed me with
love for that boy

No Word

I have had not one word from her

Frankly I wish I were dead.
When she left, she wept

a great deal; she said to
me, ``This parting must be
endured, Sappho. I go unwillingly.''

I said, ``Go, and be happy
but remember (you know
well) whom you leave shackled by love

``If you forget me, think
of our gifts to Aphrodite
and all the loveliness that we shared

``all the violet tiaras,
braided rosebuds, dill and
crocus twined around your young neck

``myrrh poured on your head
and on soft mats girls with
all that they most wished for beside them

``while no voices chanted
choruses without ours,
no woodlot bloomed in spring without song...''

Like the gods. . .

In my eyes he matches the gods, that man who
sits there facing you--any man whatever--
listening from closeby to the sweetness of your
voice as you talk, the

sweetness of your laughter: yes, that--I swear it--
sets the heart to shaking inside my breast, since
once I look at you for a moment, I can't
speak any longer,

but my tongue breaks down, and then all at once a
subtle fire races inside my skin, my
eyes can't see a thing and a whirring whistle
thrums at my hearing,

cold sweat covers me and a trembling takes
ahold of me all over: I'm greener than the
grass is and appear to myself to be little
short of dying.

Tonight I've watched

Tonight I've watched
the moon and then
the Pleiades
go down

The night is now
half-gone; youth
goes; I am

in bed alone.

i found another zine from ages ago!

its called LUV SUX

aw. haha.

here's a poem from it c;

11 

D I  F F E R E N T C O L O U R S

I HAVE DIFFERENT SKIN TO YOURS.

YOURS IS LUMINESCENT, AND MINE

GLOWS SOFTLY IN RESPONSE TO YOURS.

YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT MAKES ME GLOW.

hi i am making zines again!chea!i'm going to take them

to audio foundation in auckland, but if you're outta town

and want one email me! ( piupiumaya@gmail.com )

you can totally have your own hand made book of poetry!!

donations are totally welcome, but not necessary c:

here is a poem that is in da book c: pmtxxxx

11. F O U N D I N G S

i found something you might like.

my love, i saved it for you,

because even if you discard

it, i hold it close encase

you want it.

i will keep it soft in my

heart of love, that cuddles

your memory when i'm asleep.

I JUST STRING THEORIES ALONG

(and by theories i mean everyone i ever left)

i did a performance for a show at jos' house, 

where i tied the audience together with string,

forcing them to interact, be unusually close

to one another, and i fed them jelly beans.

i took the people from upstairs,

downstairs, to see the people downstairs.

then took everyone upstairs.

here's a poster.

it was a sweet as night

I S L A N D G E T A W A Y

move me through your oceans.

my tide lapses. now,

withdrawals, 

shaking isles and i am quaking.

you have not gone.

i feel the loss of (something)

drain me of buoyancy.

i go 

up and down

on salt water rivers.

wavering.

time moves

slow, immersed

in tidal dreams.

i was rubble before i was
anything else, and right
now i can feel my roots
bursting through the thinly
layered plaster shell.

my heart pumps my blood
to my brain and my body,
and it takes with it other
things that my body makes,
that make me curl up in
bed and watch cartoons
and cry lots without shame.

w o n d e r l u s t

my body aches

i feel like leaving this place.

i feel like moving

through oceans

with only a suitcase,

and my life packed inside.

with you, there next to me.

dissatisfied, i want to

fall away, into some

where else. some where

new, where i am new

and my energies replenish.

so i step outside.

He shows me the lights

in windows, and then,

the building reflected,

and then, someone

cleaning the windows,

and i feel sedated

and satisfied, that

He made everything i know,

and in this knowledge, i

am calmly serene. 

IF YOU'RE WILLING

i rest in you,

fading into your chest

becoming see-through

i am not ashamed of anything,

your arms

keep my tired head

from falling into the atmosphere,

he said:

"we could never be half

as bad as you are good"

and it comforts me 

to know i can not be

perfect, and i've made a

big mistake, but you are here,

to hold my fading head up

out of the atmosphere.

i am hurt

by the desire to evoke

something in my self that

could tear through space.

my eyes are moving like

light speed through oceans

of echoed emotion that

torpedoed toward you

and you

never even

flinched.

V A R I A T I O N S O N T H E N O R M

i feel

much

some times / other times

absolutely

nothing at all.

it's all

a 

variant

in mood.