my words become true.

leaving me hanging in the distance,
the echo is a tone i could never hear.

i evaporated into the ocean, and
recondensed in a place i know i well.

i thought i had been forgotten, and left
the shores, but i hadn't. i burned, let the
air take my atoms. i coursed, and elevated.
was high in the stratosphere.

but it was short lived, and i hung myself
when i took myself apart in front of the
crowds, who with deaf ears, only
wanted the gore and glory of exposure.

they were never there to see the folds
of blood vessels, or to breathe in my
atoms of smoky haze. to lean out and
touch the velvet caress of my muscles
pumping, to keep my solid body moving
forward on the deepest ground.

i tore myself apart, speaking and listening
and hearing words i never knew i never knew
come out of my mouth like the retaliation of
every tiny complex structure i had ever felt.

i poured myself into myself to try and mold
myself back into something like i was when
i was unreal, and lived up with clouds and my God.




i hope the crowds are wreaked with guilt
and instantly, i am swelling with guilt.

now i cry for hours on end, to know
i was listened to but never heard.

i could never rest on
any other laurels other
than my two feet,

that move slowly
through air, treading
the atmosphere into
the souls of my boots.

legs of lead and a mind
of coal, burning and
smoking, and blackening the air.

habits

when you leave,
to be held in place
by hands that made you,

surely i will leave too, then.

for my heart would rupture,
and i, alone, would know grief.

following Victoria,
i will be a symphony
of quiet. my eyes would
hold it, and know that i,
alone, was alone in my
existance. my creation,
then a waste, for surely
i, alone, was created to
hold you humanly close to me.

held by my arms, alone,
surely, i would know.

yesterday,
i tore down all the posters from my walls.

it was an act of regression.

i no longer felt i needed
to show anyone how i felt,
instead i was how i felt,
and that was enough
i felt.

from the ground i was born
into unknown circumstances
of tired looking faces, and
silence. where apathy is a day
job devoutly to be held,
and they can only condone
to condemn with their eyes.

but,

in the smoke haze of delusional
there is you, my love.

burning spark, bright enough to
light every one of my flames,
and warm enough to keep
me moving in the sludge of
apathetic environments

water boy,
i hid myself in your eyes,
tried to bleed to show
i could be you, but in
the end, you were never
picked for the show.

water boy, left behind,
dressed like a doll and
eager to please, you
broke my back over
your knee, and left
me crying at my
parent's house.

water boy, never picked
for the run, hid behind
dramatic intonations of
lies and secrecy, your
sorcery held me, where
i would have been better
off pushing rocks up hills.

better off believing in the
infinite trust, but no,
water boy did what water boy
does best and burned holes
in my eyes.

water boy, twice bit, twice shy
and i would have bitten you
a thousand times water boy.

i was born from the rib
of the one i call second to
love. Him, and him, and i,
sit together, in a shade
of a kowhai and i speak
in words that are not words
but actions of the heart.

for them, i will be glory.

hurryupandcomehomeimissyouitssoboringwithoutyouwah

the emperor's well
ran dry, the night
she pulled down the
nets from around the bed.

with her eyes of glass,
he misplaced what he should
have kept secret, and now
she moves through silk
curtains, into the night sky.

let myself
form rings
of fire,

and burn joyfully
through the night,
waiting for the reunited
drama of ourselves, to
come crashing back into
symbiosis.

i have
been afraid
of the dark
while you
were gone,

and no longer scared
of the shadows on the
distant wall - soon your
body (with its protection
qualities) will keep me safe,

like money in the bank.

i talk alone
to deaf ears
of my own that
never ceased to
listen before,
but now break,
shedding lit up
cut-offs of
electricity.

oh nevermind
oh nevermind

anxiety holds me like lace,
what if i am here forever
in this tidal emotion of
forever and seven days?

it was only a bite
only a little dig into
the skin, but enough to
make train tracks up
my spine.

train tracks
into eternity, i am a
statue.

i was softly spoken
and in the end
i was grown into
a petal,
i was half a whole
and completed
by the gaze of
your eyes closing in on mine

what i learned todae:

- it is okay to be discordant

- sometimes i won't win keyquest



goals for todae:

- be good

chipmusic here wecome.

welcome in da nu girlband in the house

i whine about the distance,
but it is not real
it's like smoke that 
evaporates from your
lungs. for sure, for sure
i still miss you, cause sweet
you taste like bliss sushi, but 
darling, honey pie, my love,
i know you are happy
and your happiness
is enough.

first night sleeping alone:

my first night of sleeping alone.

rising dawn, keep me from this coolness.
its too hot to breathe,

i am cold without you.

catapult me into
the blue unknown

(i've been there before
i've never been)

yes, yes i know it's so
but is it so if i don't know?

curiosity took my inhibitions,
now i wallow, wallow in myself
and you and nonresistance. 

giving in to the surges and
to you, letting my loneliness
swamp me and hold me and
yes, yes i know it's so,
because it's so how 
could i not ever
know?

1.

i am fortune
in the way that
i am fortune
in the way that
i love you.

2.

through brier and bush
and river and sea,
to you, i am.

3.

curl up inside
stripes and let
yours melt with mine.

momentary lapses in 
proper thought leave
me in tatters at the sight
of the finishing line.

if everything ends sometime,
then let the ticker tape wait
for the end of all days.

aha! 

bursts of energy to
remind me that i could
be so lusciously inside
my own mind of degenerate 
thoughts of you on me.

my body leaps into
itself, feeling a rush of 
blood to the cheeks, i'm
on fire, phoenix burn me!

my skin starts to melt from
lack of touching. hands to 
mold me back into shape, 
hands to carve out my 
cheek bones. thoughts of
you on me on you on me,
and i am awash with roundabout
thoughts and gushing sweetly.

fall into the sky,
and i would fall
with you into
the bliss of the
infinite night.

i find it hard to
deal with my heart,
that opens itself like
a flower all the time.

my weakness is not.
my world of
storms should not rage
on your doorstep


- or, if they do, they
ought to leave your
battered windows alone.

so heart, let alone his
garden of roses, let alone,
and remember how accustomed
you were to being with yourself.

i was a curvature of 
emotion that expanded 
into a sea of glances and
watered down faces. i 
could have been so bleak
and beautiful and slowly rotating,

but i am not. i was a curvature,
and now, a flat plane.

i could agree, to hold
falstaff, and let fall the
blurring nights. but i
can't. i just lie, here,
and my mouth is
dry from drinking
a thousand gallons
of water - but so is
yours, and we agree.

there is no words
we could ever use in
any combination.

this, of us, connected
through emotion over a
cityscape of union. i know
i know, i knew it was a
phase, but this darling,
of discontentment and
discolored eyes is no longer
real by the standards of time.

and you will go,
and i will work,

i am unsure what else to say.

i am excommunicated.
the silence humiliates me.
leaving me uneasy and restless,
disorientated. why the silence
and the quiet? i am a whole
person, and i am complete
in my inability to talk. i
am not i am not human i
am a toy, a doll of shattered
silk, glued back together with
your exgirlfriend's hot glue gun.

how can i express my self expression?

i fall asleep under your breast,
i only ever sleep easy curled
around a shape created for
mine. your heart beats and

plays on my cheek softly, like
we are the two quiet kids in
the playground, sitting under a
blooming kowhai tree, playing
with each other's shoes, never
saying anything at all, but speaking
in words so humane.

all i ever had was in you, and
the thought of departure scares
me into your arms.

but it could never convince me to stay,
as much as my love could.

my love for you rises, and bursts into
yellow petals, summer sun could
never burn us, never burn us,
never burn us whole.

cause i could never afford

to be stoic, hand in my mouth

eyes to the ground, i came down

from the infinite. now sitting out 

back, thinking about what i said.

i'm only human but i wish i was as 

divine as you, wish i was as good as

you, wish i could blend my lips and 

teeth together to make some coherent

sound, hands in my mouth,

eyes watered down.

i just lie under a rock for hours on end,

thinking of the depth of your breath

that sustains me. i am held in blissful

limbo, when your eyes catch mine

for a brief moment before you

switch sides and look away to the left.

i just sit under my rock, in blissful limbo

and listen to your breath.