i push my head into
the blender. i pour
myself into a cup
and you can drink
me all up.

i leave myself behind.

i can not stand myself.

awake too early

and awake too late.

i arrived, but didn't come.

blank features 

and soundless mouth.

lips made for speech

but incapable of it.

hands, meant to hold you,

but withheld from you.

i can not want you 

to want me.

i leave myself below the line.

could not even

muster the effort

to punch below the belt.

could not even

master the movements

of you against me against me.

i am blank.

lips made for you

but i am incapable of filling

your place in my mouth.

my eyes, cold

and desolate, 

watching the

emptied door frame

in awe.

last night,
my waters broke.

they spilled from my body.

out of my hands, my eyes,
my chest, my ankles.

suddenly, the crashing
waves burst. they
filled my room to the brim.

none leaked out.
i think,

it likes to be confined.
to be held in something.

to have something to
stop the oceans of
words and meaning.

i miss the dam of your body.


photo

i let my sigh

evaporate out

the window

into the streets.

it dips, and 

starts to slide

down the drain,

through the sewers,

and out into the ocean.

where it rests, floating,

making it's way

to you.

image

one day i'll be a chipbby!

(maybe ^_- )

lullabies for beach holidays: lullaby one

walking through the town
trying not to breath
the fumes from the cars.

somehow i can be
sweet in your eyes and
warm in your heart

i know i'm not a saint
i know i'm not a sin
i just wanna be yours

soon i can hold
you in my arms
and we can be

together forever
locked in love
i'm happy in your arms

greatly underwater,
hidden in seashells i 
am lying awake.

there is the surf rocketing above me.
there is sand sitting protected
in the folds of my eyelids.

my marble limbs that were hard,
are now growing green and soft,
and fish are feeding off the tips
of my fingers, toes and lips.

shifting into the ecosystem that sustained me
i come full circle to breed new
lives into the ocean currents.
i come around to the new
way of thinking:

'is everything alright?'
'everything is alright.'

i have not sunk, i have
sifted my new ways 
through the undertow of
dreams and desires to
be reborn as a static image,
left limber in your eyes.

image

with your pearl necklace,

with your heart tied around your neck

you are merging into a new

state of softness never seen before.

you are melting.

you've been liquefied  by your grey matter.

it's suggestions are traversing through

you. coursing through your bloodstream,

you can not pretend, you dare not to.

its there now.

what will you do when the string breaks

and everything cascades out into the open?

your hidden libido and your hidden

confessions and your hidden talents

tumble into the ocean of the public sphere.

oh no sweet.

you can not curve away and hide in your 

room, there is no place for displacement

of your needs or your wants. there is

nothing more precious to people, than

honesty of heart and mind. 

so do not be ashamed.

photo

I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women, when they love, give everything.

— Oscar Wilde

every day i am reborn.
created anew by your
hands and your love.

my soul opens like a lotus flower,
and stretches out to soak in your
warmth and your touch.

you have given me so much.
(more than i deserve). i ask for
nothing else, if i can always know you.

i ask for nothing else.
i have always known you.

my bones, they have ached for 
my mind to recognize you.
my blood has bled for me to
acknowledge you.

now i have, 
i find i am lighter than
ever before.
i find i am sweeter than
ever before.

i find that i am whole,
happily lying in your palm,
from now, until forever.

pictures of otters

listen to her voice!!

amazing as o man

i keep turning

around in circles

of ovals and spheres.

i understand

the implications

but not the means.

(i lack the know how).

i could be a serpent

and tease you with apples

and lust.

but i am no snake,

nor am i a viper.

i rest easy on your shoulder 

as a small sparrow,

twittering and letting you know

i love you

with rounded words and perfect kisses.

photo

fauxhound - DOOR TO DOOR

1.

they say 

you can not blame gravity

for falling in love.

2.

i could never blame you

for anything at all.

we collided, and ecstatic, we

thread ourselves through each other.

looping, hooking, braiding

each other into our everyday lives.

combining energy and time.

3.

do you remember at the beginning?

we would send messages all day

every day. saying the most

banal and uninspiring things.

'i just ate some toast'

'work's real nice today'

us both burning with a desire

to live in each other's skins.

to be there in reality, in 

the same places, and same 

headspaces, and to be there,

with each other,

doing banal and domestic things.

in the early days, my dreams

were full of them.

i can't change.
i can't alter my new ways.
i remember your body
i remember your hands
i remember you eyes of pure ice.

the colour of cold, but never cold.
i am warmest in your gaze.

i am sitting here. now,
in my bed that could only
ever be our bed

(you slept in it while i was away)

i can not change, i can not become one
when i was one before with you.

i am left in a limbo
more pure than springwater,
more lovely than your absence,
and almost as sweet as your kiss.

not with you,
never without you,
left in limbo.

i still sleep on my side as if you are here.
the undercurrents of memories
gently pull me to you.
the swirling nostalgic waters are forever there
and i feel that i can not push against them.

i give in.

falling into cool thoughts of you, letting
my face get wet. now submerged,
i'm feeling your hands through
my hair, your skin along my skin.
your fingers trailing my spine.

surfacing for air, the present
feels like a shadow of the
ease i felt in your arms.


photo

cause i get nervous

and shy and my

crippling contengents of

hopeless ambition echo

inside my hollowing

heart of bruises and

confessions and meatlessness.

i'm going to run to the water

where i sit weightless and hold

my own hand in the breeze

and the tides because no one

ever convinces you how you

lived is right, when everything

you know shudders to the left.

when anything you know shifts to the left.

image

my big plans make you uncomfortable.

every time i mention them, you squirm just

a little. not too much, just enough for

the corner of my eye to catch you out.

well. love, plans to do not always suit,

and if we can not align ourselves,

well, love, maybe, just maybe, a few months

apart could be ultimate solution.

in my restless mind, we shifted

and separated by oceans of miniature motions.

you meet a girl. beautiful, wondrous, 

less jealous and funnier than i.

her family knows your family,

her eyes never miss a moment,

no miscommunication, no more beers from verona,

no more worries - and her sex drive matches yours perfectly.

but she's no me.

i meet a boy. he's lovely,

makes lies that fits like blocks with mine

he takes the time always to see that i'm functioning

(even when i need to disfunction and let out some steam)

his pantry is always full, and he understands my apathy and laziness.

but he's no you,

and i leave, coming flying back to you. 

how my lips are arching.

how my muscles are aching.

i feel like a truck has run over
my rabid body. my rabid body
of blood and bone and my eyes
are sleepy and my heart is beating
me slowly and my legs are going numb.

i want to work and work and work and work and work and work and work until my fingers bleed and my eyes are grey stones in the pit of my stomach. 


image

people i don't understand
and games i can't play and
the vibing break throughs
of electric energy into my
soft and warm bleeding brain.

they say yes and they say no
but i can not work out their
breathing patterns or when
they're gonna wanna go
home - i think i bled to

think of it. i think i left
to leave it. bathe me in 
your waters and we can
see if i could taste the air
so thin - escaping your lips.


image

my motivation of ice and
broken bone is slowly melting.

          here i thought i could
           but, alas, i can't.

i sit at home, trying to get my vacant mind
to start to fill with words and the will
to find something to keep me busy.

but what could i do/
but what could i say...

oh what could i ever do and what could i ever say?



i am tired.
and this is no excuse.

your flatmates light themselves on fire
from the toaster,
and despite your immaculate grooming
you give in and do the same.

bottles for africa. the last weeks are a haze
of bodies and introductions
shaking hands and quaking legs.

feeling isolated but knowing progress happens
without thought.

'falling asleep;
drinking my thoughts'

she liked that one and come to think of it:

so do you.

Catapult photos // Frances Carter's wiki!

i'm certainly not alexa wilson yet, but i'm gonna get there hopefully! thanks to da people who came // supported us so much love!!

and oh, he is a shadow of you.

he moved across the far wall of my room as the sun shifted

and you spill, over my bed, my clothes and my face,
a projection of perfection.

he cast this dark mark over my crisp white,

and from you a thousand shades sit in the same place, kissing
my eyelids as they close. you keep the warmth
and bring the cold, because both are what i need
and both are what you give me. the colours,
the forms, the situational comedy you bring me
far outweigh his dirty mutterings.

you bring the beauty and the worth to life.

image

there is something about bodies

bodies together in space.

my eyes are fluttery, and your arm jerks

and i am so safe i feel i might slip into the air.

we could levitate - our souls elated to the point
of becoming solid.

you breathe, and i fall more and more into your eyes.


love in the highest denomination.

image

go home and sleep 

(with them).

take a harem back to your tent

(you've slept too much in mine and the bed sheets smell like you not me)

i sleep in your skin and

i do not want to.

i want to sleep in mine with my jealous rages and insomnia.

image

performance tonight.
stressed faces.

hephepehp

is there a cure for me?
to ease my inability to be
able to be nice.

i am not nice.
i could be kind
or loving
but i was not made nice.

so how was i made?

consume my sadness

eat me all up. 

let me breathe inside

the breath life gave me.

i am not sad

i have never been sad 

and i never will again.

image

water cleanse me of my ills,
let me be free of my sinful thoughts.
i repent, mentally whip my self
and feel so bad about my behaviour i burst into tears.

then he kisses me so lightly and my whole being slips into rest .

image

listen to the break
beats in the waves.

they tell you secrets you can not deny and i would never suggest to you to do it like that.

never do it like that to me.

come here, come here again.
come hold my arms in your body
and let me sink myself into your
torso that stands so solid next
to my melting body.

my melting body that melts
into your clothes. 

i stick to the fibers in a vain
attempt to never leave you.

i do not want to leave you 
i do not want to.

i never will, how can i part from my
heart? that bleeds to see you sad
and beats to see your eyes, and
breaks every time we miscommunicate
and you leave, or i turn my back.

but we are safe in these waves of white
that pulsate to the beat of our love,
because on our beach, the tide never
recedes, and no matter the time,
our waters never leave.

image

i thought i could never sit so low in the atmosphere
as i am now

amongst the small insects breeding
and the burrowing balls of fur

i feel safer than i did aloft in the breeze.

i am no cloud,
but a clump of dirt

and i would never wish to be anything else,

cos what's better than being an organic substance?

image

my nervous system collapses

like a building falling the in the quakes

(there's ash and ash)

my head curls inwards and starts to evaporate

this is so hard

(so hard and i feel useless)

i thought i could tame my wayward emotions of

perspex and transparency, but 

i can not and why does this leave me

in a concrete jungle of desolation

and squalorcore.

image

sweet love

of golden thoughts

that loop through mine

and drive me nearly insane,

to a point of complete desperation

for you to stay the night.

image

they told me never again
never again if you were to
hope, it would be never again.

hold me in your condensing arms
i long to be caught in between
your laboured breaths.

i am a small door frame
eloping myself through you
as you loop yourself through me

my lighthouse in the sea
rest easy rest easy rest easy
the stars shining brightly
rest easy rest easy
lets wash up on the shore





images

"He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking."

Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

rings of saturday

and moons of sunday

let me rest in you

eternally.

forever a monday afternoon

without you

and forever a tuesday night

without any money

and forever in your eyes

i sit happily 

chewing gum

and singing lullabies. 

notasaliormoonblog

unfurl my inhibitions

and break me down

turn my work into

mountains of clouds

of smoke and the over

spill of beer.

change me into dreams

and ethereal moments

of bliss between two

strangers eating 

lunches in a park.

shift my flowery bed sheets

into concave realities of 

soft words, broken heart

beats and my lover's gaze.

i am a complete being

i want to break in half

and be rebuilt in your image.

imagefromhere

“You know, they say that there is a part
of the human chest that if you strike it hard enough
the person’s heart explodes. This sounds like such a lie
that I have to believe it’s the truth. If I were science,
I’d never tell anyone where this place is. If I were science,
I’d have named this place after you.”

—	Cristin O’Keefe Aptowicz

zines zines zines zines zines zines zines

i rest assured
and can feel
you breathing.

i write about
your breath
a lot.

without it
i do not think
i would want to
exist.

you are utterly sublime

For Sasha Kurmaz

take me
turn my insides out
and expose my guts to myself.
teach me
what you know i am meant to do.

i tread water,
waiting for a sign
but don't ever realise i need
to start to move, to be moved.

i want to be moved.
i want to feel you through
my body and heart and soul
shifting me, and sifting out all the
lumps of coal.

take me
turn my insides out.
i will reveal myself all to you.
expose, with words, and show you
i am actively exposing myself,
so you can show me who i am.

hana and i are doing a show at snake pit on the 28th at 6pm! it's gonna be really cool and if you're around auckland you should come. cos its fun and stuff 

xxxxx

teef from Piupiu-Maya Turei on Vimeo.

and i wonder
only sometimes.
when the mood is

right.

when i am sick
and remember last year fleetingly.

i can not remember your subconsciousness
ticks. they are sitting
on the edge of my mind.

i can not quite remember them,
and in my ignorance, i am happy.

because this is the first time,
i feel neutral.

no lingering sighs
or anything.

just half blurred memories sweet in their
non importance. just slowed down moving
images watched with passive eyes.

i will sleep easy tonight,
knowing today was the day.

my rash choices and
words run like 
water off a ducks
back. my moods swing
but darling my love never
fades. i am sorry. i am true

x

xx

xxx

xxxx